My husband, Bill and I began changing our lives two years ago today. I wrote about how we quit drinking alcohol in this post from 2020.
During the last two years, we’ve lost 150 pounds of fat between the two of us, we’ve skipped 730 hangovers, and we are so proud of ourselves. We proved the “can’t teach an old dog new tricks” saying is hogwash!
Year one without alcohol was thrilling! Isn’t that weird to say? After all, we gave up partying and we were in a global pandemic. But it was a thrill because we finally had the energy and fortitude to lose the weight we had put on, and it was working! It was incredible to feel and see the physical and mental changes we experienced.
Two years in and we are committed to our sobriety because it’s brought so many good things into our lives: health, better money management, better relationships with ourselves and each other, fitness and overall contentment.
Now I’d like to be a bit more personal and vulnerable and share some of my experiences of late.
I had a lot of distractions that first year of sobriety. I delved into learning about nutrition and losing weight, finding out what alcohol did to our bodies, minds and souls, and I spent many hours working out to get into the best physical shape of my life.
I woke up every morning feeling good about life and elated to be spared my usual plunge into self-defeat and shame over my alcohol use and weight.
I started sharing about my experiences giving up alcohol and losing weight online with a surprisingly enthusiastic and positive response. That felt good and I enjoyed the validation. I began building self-confidence, and I believed in myself again. I even started to like me!
Time went on, it was 2021 and I lost all the weight I wanted to. I moved my focus from losing weight to maintaining it. We went on a long RV trip – 6 months (with a brief 2 week stay at home) and again, I had plenty of distractions while traveling.
Then we came home in early November. Dun, dun, dun.
The distractions of the the previous 21 months were either gone or not shining brightly enough to keep me from my emotions. I would feel fine, maybe a little cooped up and antsy from staying home so much due to Covid, but I was content.
Then seemingly out of nowhere, I would get down in the doldrums. I would feel hopeless, lonely, filled with regret, sadness, and anxiety. What the hell was going on? I am supposed to have this sobriety thing nailed by now. I am supposed to be happy now, not hopeless and blue. Why can’t I pick myself up and find that spark of joy I once had?
After a few days of despair and lots of tears, I would go back to my usual self. I would ask myself questions: Is this a pandemic thing? Is there something wrong with me? Am I depressed or is this just part of midlife or hormones or both? Why does it come and go so mysteriously?
This month it happened again. So I decided to talk to my husband openly about the pain I was experiencing. What we figured out together is that these feelings I have are normal. I’ve always had them, I just didn’t let myself experience them. It was easier to drink sadness and anxiety and worry away than it was to face what I was feeling and sit with it for longer than the time it took to get a buzz.
All the years of playing whack-a-mole with my emotions only made me want to find more ways to distract myself from them. So weight loss, travel, even becoming vegan were all distractions I employed since giving up alcohol. They don’t always have to be unhealthy distractions.
The result of not letting myself feel things is a backlog of emotions and no great ways to deal with them. Because I haven’t developed healthy methods yet, I am stuck in this cycle – fine for a couple of weeks, then down in a dark hole for a few days. I also find myself taking small things and blowing them up into big things. Seems a little immature for a 54-year-old but like I said, I have not let myself develop these skills.
The good news is I think I have figured out what’s going on. It makes sense that I wouldn’t know what to do with negative thoughts and feelings if drinking large amounts of wine was my way of dealing with them.
All this to say: sobriety is a wonderful and special gift. It is the reason why I was able to lose weight, get out of debt, quit my spending habit, and gain self-confidence and self-efficacy. But sobriety does not fix every problem. It does, however, allow me to notice and identify issues and give me the strength and confidence I need to address them, or figure out how to.
I am writing about this today not only because it is our two year anniversary of giving up alcohol, but I am also inspired by my friend, Tamera Beardsley and her honest and open post about losing weight and alcohol. I encourage you to take a moment to have a look.
Thank you for reading!
Adrienne
Powerful words. Thx for sharing.
Thank you, Est. I appreciate your kind words.
Thank you for sharing so honestly. You bring to light simple awareness that rings so true. It all does make sense. My crutch is food but used in the same manner.
I feel like I have spent most of my life trying to escape feeling negative emotions in a variety of ways, not just alcohol, though that stands out because it’s been the most destructive. My quandary is now what? Do I build up a tolerance to feeling uncomfortable emotions and ride the sad/anxious feelings out? I don’t have the answers yet and it may lead to seeing someone professionally, once the pandemic subsides enough. Until then, I will focus on being aware of it, doing what I can to write and talk about it and see if that helps.
Also, I 100% relate to the food thing to. Thank you for your comment, Linda.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing this! It makes complete sense.
For me, becoming a mother made me realize I’d been coping with near-crippling anxiety my entire life. There was something about becoming a mom that made things overflow (just SO many things to worry about) and thankfully I started seeking treatment with a therapist. I put it off for a long time because I sort of convinced myself that that’s just how my brain works and what can they really do anyways? But it DID help. All that to say-I love therapy! Huge proponent and I’m so lucky it’s available to me.
And happy 2 year sober-versary!
Hi Ensley, I am so glad you were able to identify your anxiety. Isn’t it strange that we can have anxiety – exhibit lots of signs – yet not realize it. For me, drinking alcohol ramped up my anxiety big time. But because I had now obvious “problems”, I didn’t think I had anxiety but I did. And now it’s simmering, lower level anxiety but it’s still there.
When it’s safe to sit in a room with someone again (please let that be soon!) I do want to see a therapist. I may even try sourcing someone via Zoom just so I don’t have to wait.
Thank you for sharing this! I appreciate it.
Learning to sit with and process uncomfortable, confusing emotions is really a practice that isn’t encouraged, supported or taught in our society. So often we are told either directly or indirectly to ignore, stuff, downplay or obscure emotions, especially negative ones. So, when we are overwhelmed or even just slightly challenged we reach for something to dull those emotions – food, drugs, things. Anything to avoid actually feeling or dealing with them. Good for you for your progress and recognizing what you’re going through. Do you know a website called HelloSundayMorning? It’s a sobriety resource where people can read or post about their sober journey. This issue comes up time and again in posts. Another blogger whose content I connected with is Unpickled. She talks about this issue a lot.
Hi Julie,
Thank you for your wonderful comment. Yes, I can see how we are taught to avoid negative emotions. Be positive! Smile! Look at the bright side! And while I think a positive attitude is a good thing to have, it can also just add to your existing anxiety when you force it, or when someone tells you that you ought to be positive.
I have not heard of HelloSundayMorning and will check it out. I know I’ve heard of Unpickled but have not visited that blog. Thank you for the resources. I appreciate it!
Adrienne thank you for sharing your story of healthy changes over the last 2 years. You and Bill really shine! You have inspired me with your success, honesty and your pluck! I struggle with just feeling my emotions and not trying to cover them up with shopping or other distractions. I appreciate your openness and your encouragement to be our best selves.
Hi Ginger, Thank you for your kind words.
I think dodging our unwanted emotions is a common thing and I know I was – still am – always looking for ways to avoid feeling badly. Alcohol and shopping worked well in the short term, until they didn’t. Those distractions led to more bad feelings of guilt, regret and shame. It was a cycle and I was stuck in it.
I don’t want to spend days at a time feeling sad and gloomy so I wonder what they answer is? Going on a walk, reading a book, talking on the phone with family or a close friend all help me put things in perspective and lift me up a little. But they seem to only work for a short time.
You continue to inspire by sharing your story . Wishing you well as you continue the journey. Thank you!